I’m sitting at my desk at work staring at a bright, green, granny smith apple and thinking to myself “how did I get here?”. Just a month ago that apple would have been a cookie. or a cupcake. or a mocha latte frapo crappo delight. After a poor physical with my new doctor and a serious sit down with myself, I’ve managed to snap into 2012 and take a look in the mirror. Not that I don’t like what I see, let’s get one thing straight, I’m a beautiful woman, mmkay? BUT, and it’s a big but(t) <– (see what I did there? always joking…) after years of poor eating habits and terrible decision-making, it occurred to me that I don’t even know if this is my true self I’m seeing. I don’t know what that self looks like because I’ve never made a conscious effort to make any real changes. No, let me re-phrase that: I’ve never made a conscious effort to do the things I’m supposed to do.

My relationship with food goes way back. At some point in my elementary school years, my mom went back to school for her masters and I became a latchkey kid. With that came a lot of convenience lunches and cafeteria garbage. That later turned into fast food while juggling a hectic school/colorguard/choir/part-time job schedule. Over time, I started to actually get that there are good foods and bad foods but I never really cared much for these “facts” or whatever (sarcastic much?). By the time I left college, I had gained 15 lbs…a year. And I just kept moving on. I fell in love (gained love weight), started my master’s degree, got married (gained then lost then gained stress weight), then had a baby (you get the idea).

And so here I sit, thinking back on all of the moments when I could have changed but didn’t. The gym memberships I payed for but never used. The bags of produce that went bad in my fridge while I went out for pizza/burgers/thai/ice cream/death on a stick. Oddly enough, I’m no longer angry or ashamed. I’m past all of that at this point. Now, I’m just scared. And suddenly very aware. So aware that when I “relapsed” yesterday (as in, had dinner at Wing Stop), I couldn’t stop thinking about the terrible things I was actively consuming. I dare say, it wasn’t all that enjoyable. I guess after a month of counting calories, limiting portions and cutting back on sugar/snacks/gunk, I’ve managed to retrain my brain and my body (talk about a churning post-wings stomach-apolyse!).

The funny thing is, I feel like deep down inside, there’s been this little vegetarian exercise enthusiast all along. When we go out to eat now, I’ve started going for the meatless options or a side salads and fruit instead of fries. Last week I made brussel sprouts and quinoa. My carnivorous husband, bless his heart, graciously takes a bite (sometimes) even though I know he’s secretly cringing on the inside. But I’m enjoying this, I feel like instead of being passive about what I eat, I make myself a part of it by really studying ingredients, looking up calories, analyzing recipes and finding ways to substitute the bad stuff for the good stuff. I even made granola at home the other day, people! I am grinding flax seeds and saving up for a personal smoothie blender for goodness sakes.

Over the weekend, I walked for several hours. HOURS. Instead of sitting on the couch, I cleaned the kitchen, baked and crawled on all fours with my 10 month old (who loved it, btw). I looked up healthy recipes and stored them on pintrest. I’m even trying to figure out what my schedule would look like when I incorporate Zumba into my week. what? who? huh? I know.

#projectunfluff is underway folks, there’s no way around it anymore. I plan on hopefully not ever looking back on a life once full of apathy towards nutrition and disdain for exercise. And I have a deadline. Children start making memories at age 2. I need to make like fluffy mami never even existed by May of 2013. Let’s get to it!

Leave a comment


  1. I think that finding ways to incorporate “healthiness” that is sustainable is important… Wings are delicious and okay in moderation… Planning for “cheats” rather than letting them happen randomly is a good way to keep them under control… Finding ways to exercise that you enjoy is important too… and switching things up so it doesn’t get boring helps keep your interest… Babycakes will be a great help, and you’ll both be getting something positive from that 🙂

    I love hearing people get excited about making healthy choices… I am so happy for you 🙂

    • Yeah, I’m still working out the kinks. The important part is that I’m taking it one day at a time. I’m ignoring diet plans and just sticking to information about nutrition and the things shared by people like you who are actually living it everyday! Thanks for the encouragement, it will be an interesting ride from here on out!

  2. I wish you were closer! I need a getting healthy buddy (and probably a cooking healthy foods and sharing them buddy) too. Recipe swap?

    Also, you might want to talk to Valerie Morby. She lost 50 pounds in the last year or two by basically being super-accountable about what she ate and how much she exercised. I was very impressed, and need to figure out how to develop that kind of long-term willpower.

    • Hey Shannon! We could definitely do a swap! Are you on pintrest? If so, we can create a pinboard where we both contribute pins of recipes we find and love.

      Valerie is actually part of my inspiration! Her reveal post got me onto loseit.com which I have been using for a month now and I love it! Also, if you want to join that, we can “friend” each other and monitor each other’s progress. Let’s get to it!

  3. Lorena

     /  April 17, 2012

    Dang… I’m reading this as I eat tres leche cake ( coworkers bday).

    We need to start our exercise group again. I enjoyed the group blog and I know that me and suzi still chat regularly as we complain about trying to get healthier and give each other encouragement.

    Good for you love!

  4. This is great mari!!! One thing I’ve learned about being healthy and eating healthy that I’d like to share is to have realistic expectations. I think it is common for lots of people to think they can loose a lot of weight in a short period of time or that they can do a complete 360 in the first try. Not TRUE! I’ve lost over 50 lbs and it took me 3 years! I’ve managed to gain some of it back recently which only shows that this is a life long process more than anything. The bottom line is…you are going to fail. you are going to repeat old habits because its what you are used to doing. That’s ok…it is part of the process. What is important is to take as much time as you need between each transition (into becoming healthier) so that the changes become more permanant and your less likely to relapse. Since this is about lifestyle/habbit changes and not really about the weight. (Which you seem to totally get). This is going to take time…lots of it and practice to get it right,to make it your new lifestyle. So don’t worry if this takes longer than May 2013. Your daughter is going to remember what you fed her and how you taught her to look at food more so than anything else.


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